Life's A Bitch

I really wish right now someone would marinate me in happiness. It seems like the only time I have the urge to write one of these journal entries, I'm in a bloody foul mood. For the first time yesterday I said flat out to my friends I was in a miserable mood. And I meant it. My friends laughed and said I didn't understand the term miserable, because I was too happy a person. I was always happy. Always.

I'm annoyed at that and I find it stupidly amusing. Funny. Ironic. I really don't see a bright cheery smile on my face. For once I want to be angry or sad without everyone thinking 'Oh my god, this girl actually feels things other than eternal bliss!' I know how to wear a costume well. I know how to prepare a facade very well, too. That doesn't give anyone the right to just assume I'm happy. I'm not Mary Poppins.

He makes me sick. This guy...he makes me so sick. Everything that comes out of his mouth to me is a lie. He can call me beautiful. He can say how much he needs me. But it still won't change the fact that he's a damned liar with his pants on fire. I let him by with insults to my friends, to my family...and now I'm taking his insults, too. That's the last thing I need. I don't need him. He says he knows more about me than any other person in my life. Well, he can go shit somewhere else because I'm not his toilet anymore. I needed someone. But it sure as hell isn't going to be him anymore.

I want to just keep setting myself up for dissapointment. It makes everything easier. I hate this naive hope that I've always had. This 'dreamy' aspect of my personality. Dreams don't come true. Next time somebody says that to my face I'll spit in theirs. Because they are liars, too. Everyone in this world lies. What good can come of that? It's just uncalled for misery.

People die. Hearts break. Friends abandon you. That is not a lie. And when people say 'You'll move on to better things in life and forget about the past', that is a lie. Nobody can say any different. When people die...you never forget. It just sits in the pit of your stomach and even though it seems long gone, it still comes up for air on occassion. And when your heart breaks the pain will always be recalled no matter what new love you move on to. It doesn't change the fact that you were hurt once before. And when friends abandon you and are lost...you will move on. You'll find new friends, maybe even better. And you'll be stronger. But it doesn't change the fact that you'll always stare at the old friends with the memories you will never forget or move away from. You always carry the past on your shoulders. Always.

I obediently wear my smile. But I can say to anyone who asks me I am not overcome with happiness like everyone seems to think I am. That I would like everyone to know is not a lie.